Giving Life My All

Giving all of myself to everything in my life… God, my family, my health, my mind. This is my story… my ups and downs, struggles and triumphs.

Can I be real for a moment?

on November 21, 2016

Going to try to make this one a quick post…

I just want to be real with everyone for a bit… not that I haven’t been real up until this point…. but things have felt pretty easy for me until a couple of weeks ago.  About 3 weeks ago, this pain that I’ve been having in my Psoas muscle leading from the bottom of my spine through my pelvic bone down my left leg has gotten unbearable.  I take Tylenol Extra Strength regularly now… 3 times a day.  The second the Tylenol starts wearing off, the pain starts coming back… hard.  If the Tylenol didn’t work to take away this pain, I don’t know how I would be able to function day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.  My doctor prescribed me OxyContin but that actually works way less than the Tylenol.  He told me to up the dosage to see if it would work, but I’m hesitant to because I know how drugged up I feel on it and how easy it is to get addicted to this pain-killer.  So… I’ll stick with my Tylenol until my doctor says I have to stop because my liver can’t handle anymore.

I started treatment this weekend.  On Saturday.  My husband forced it.  Whchemo-pillsy would he have to force me to start it you might ask?  Well…. because I was scared.  I don’t know how my body is going to react to this drug.  I don’t know if it’s going to work.  And honestly, starting it made me feel like I was admitting that I still have cancer… and I had been in a bit of denial up until my last NYC scans.  So… today was day 3 on Sutent… my targeted chemotherapy pill.  I’ve had some typical side effects and it sucks.  About 30 minutes after taking it, my body temperature drops and I’m freezing.  Then a small headache starts and lasts for about 30 mins.  Then chills and feeling like I have a fever.  Then overall, feeling like I have the flu… fatigue, weakness, stomach cramps, diarrhea, body aches and pains.   And the scarysnuggles part is that it could get worse.  I could get sores in my mouth, blisters and rashes on my hands and feet, changes in my taste buds, nausea, bleeding, bruising, etc.  Yeah… this sucks knowing that I have to do this for the next 25 days straight… get a 14 day break and then start it all over again. I can’t be the mother I want to be.  I can’t be the wife I want to be.  I have no energy to cook.  I have no energy to clean my house.  I have no energy to interact with my kids other than by having them sit next to me and snuggle.  I feel horrible… and I feel like I’m failing my family.  I know this is a stupid thought… but I feel so useless and when your entire identity in your family is taken away, you feel lost.

 

But… I have to keep my chin up.  I won’t let anyone see me cry.  I’m trying to be strong but I break down when I’mnew-tattoo alone.  I honestly, truly am fighting for my life and it’s exhausting.  I pray that this cancer disappears from my body… whether it takes a couple of weeks, a couple of months, or a couple of years.  I’m desperate for this to be gone… and when/if it is, all of the glory will go to God.  He is the one pulling me through.  He is the one where when I’m in His house, I feel most at home and at peace.  If I could live in my church, I think I probably would because that is how calm and good I feel when I am there.  He is a miraculous healer and I have to keep reminding myself to trust His plan for me.

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7 responses to “Can I be real for a moment?

  1. Jeannie says:

    Love you very much Cheryl❣❣ Hoping that this is over soon. Until then know you have an army of people fighting for you & loving you from near & afar & rallying for your health!

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  2. Debbi says:

    Cheryl, you are so in my heart and in my prayers. I’m thanking God for the full manifestation of healing in your body. Stay strong my friend. Find not only Peace, but joy! For the joy of the Lord is your strength. Praising Him for your testimony of complete and total deliverance from this nasty thing. Love you!

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  3. Meredith says:

    Love and prayers coming your way from Michigan. You are strong. And I don’t know if anybody told cancer, but it picked the wrong lady… I wouldn’t mess with you!

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  4. Amy says:

    Continued prayers for you Cheryl!! Please let us know how we can help!

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  5. Tracy Brooks says:

    Prayers for healing ! God has made you an overcomer and you are gonna kick cancer out the door !

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  6. Judy says:

    Cheryl it is a tough road for sure. You are a strong woman. All your family wants is for you to be well. We are all praying for you.

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  7. Doris Tinajero says:

    Hi, Cheryl! I just heard about your story. I work with your mom at Withers. My heart goes out to you and your family. I can’t imagine what your going through, but I know what your husband is going through, because my husband also went through chemo.

    The only thing that got us through our rough journey was God! I rejoice reading that this too is your hope. If you don’t mind I would love to share the bible verses that helped me in my time of need.

    The bible says in Romans 8:28 that all things work out for good! Sometimes we can’t see or comprehend it, but we have to trust God that it’s true. Being sad in moments like these is the easiest thing to do, however, God says that he gives us a spirit of power, self discipline and love not of fear (2 Timothy 1:17) therefore, that means that we have to decide to be happy – Psalm 118:24 “This is the day the Lord has made. WE WILL rejoice and BE GLAD in it.” It’s not easy but doing so brings glory to God and He is faithful. He wants all of His promises to come to pass in our lives, He says YES! – 2 Corinthians 1:20 So therefore, God says YES Cheryl be Healed in Jesus name! Today I declare and believe that in Jesus name and by His stripes you are HEALED – Isaiah 53:5

    I’m here for you if you ever need to talk.

    Love,

    Doris

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